6.3 Tending and befriending
Political activism is stressful. You take on difficult challenges, you suffer attacks, you endure losses. And for some of us, childhood issues get triggered, including early trauma.
What does that stress do to us? And what do we do with it? And…
What do we do to each other because of it?
Acting out on kindreds.
What does “acting-out” mean?
It means…
Asking for help indirectly.
So maybe you…
Start an argument with someone, and you don’t really care about the issue, but you’re hoping they will see you’re hurting and then help you deal with your feelings.
Or maybe you slink around the office pouting all day, dragging down the mood everywhere you go, again hoping that someone will step forward and help you get your groove back.
Or maybe you just don’t show up for two days to see if anyone misses you.
Or maybe you mistreat the new person on the team, putting down any idea she comes up with, hoping for an intervention of some kind.
Or maybe you take credit for someone else’s work and wait to see how they’ll respond.
Or maybe you go around talking like you’re the only one who truly understands the mission of the organization and everyone should accede to whatever you say.
Or maybe, or maybe. There are so many ways to act out.
The person acting out…
Causes trouble.
It’s like he’s dumping his distress on the rest of us, hoping…
We’ll be able to decode his behavior and see that he’s really asking for help.
Such a cliché, but so true.
The thing about acting out that makes it so hard to deal with is that it’s almost always…
Unconscious.
The person acting out doesn’t see what he’s doing. He can’t fix what’s going wrong because he doesn’t see that something is going wrong. He needs help, but he’s asking for it in the wrong way. A way that makes things worse instead of better.
Why does he act out with us, his friends and allies? Why doesn’t he go act out with our adversaries? Why doesn’t he go cause them trouble instead of us? Because there’s no chance they’ll help him. They’re too mean.
He causes trouble with us because…
He knows we’re the kind of people who will help anyone who’s hurting.
Even if the ask is backwards and twisted and hurtful.
Tending and befriending.
Psychologists say there are three standard human reactions to threat…
Fight, flight, and freeze.
You counterattack, you run away, or you shut down.
There are times when you just have to turn and face an attacker and fight with everything you’ve got. And there are times when the best strategy is to run. Just get out of there.
This is true for verbal, emotional attacks as well as physical attacks.
I don’t know about freeze, though. I don’t find it useful. I think it’s mostly an evolutionary leftover. Sometimes when an animal freezes and falls down, the predator will pass it by.
But we’ve got something better that we can do than any of those three F’s. We can…
Tend and befriend.
Let’s say Jason, who’s in your organization, makes a personal attack against you and you understand that he’s acting out. Instead of attacking back or running away, you take a stand, you turn yourself into a determined advocate—for him, for yourself, and for the relationship…
“I thought we were friends. I consider us friends. So I don’t understand why you’re saying such mean things to me. And why you’re making me out to be a bad guy. Because I’m not.
“And I don’t believe what you’re doing right now is what’s deepest in your heart. It doesn’t match what I know about you. What I admire about you.
“I’m thinking maybe there’s something you need, some way you’re hurting that you’re not quite seeing that you might need help with. And if you’re willing to work at figuring that out, I’m willing to help. I really mean it, I would like to help.
“And Jason, you matter to me. I refuse to let our friendship get broken. That’s just not okay with me. What about you? What are you thinking now?”
I consider this to be a deep conversation because…
You’re reaching deeper than the attack. You’re not taking it at face value.
You’re not playing defense. You’re playing offense—using nurturance.
You’re giving Jason a chance to go deeper into his distress so he can get to what he needs.
You’re offering the deepest kind of friendship.
We need a system to support us.
What happens in the human body when conflict is threatened or ignited? Adrenaline floods us. And what does adrenaline do?
It prepares us to fight.
And…
It makes us a bit stupid.
Here’s what self-defense teachers say. When you get attacked, you flood with adrenaline. Then your thinking slows down and gets foggy. So you need to train yourself before you face an attacker. You need to do drills and more drills, until you get your self-defense moves into muscle memory, so they become automatic.
The same is true with emotional battles and relationship conflicts. The release of adrenaline throws us off balance and not only slows down our thinking, but…
Shuts down our caring.
And makes us less capable of working things through than we need to be.
This is why I’d love to see every one of our movements, put together a conversation system that can take us deeper than the surface conflict, down to…
Real needs.
Then once a system is in place, I’d want to see people practicing it again and again. Like pilots practice safety techniques so if a crisis hits, they can take action immediately, faster than thought.
If I were the executive director of an organization, I’d get the staff together and we’d choose a communication system to adopt. Then we’d practice until it became second nature.
Meanwhile I’d set up a communications room. I’d go to the fabric store and get different colors of felt. I’d cut out patterns representing each part of our system. Then when two people noticed the first signs of a burgeoning conflict, they would go to the communications room and walk through the system together, and make it work.
They would be hopeful instead of fearful because…
The system would be bigger than their conflict.
And if they wanted help, they could always invite a third person into the room to guide them through the process.
It makes a world of difference to know that the very heart of the culture of your movement is tending and befriending. Because then…
You can ask directly for help whenever you need it.
And…
Trust that you will get it.
Which then drastically reduces the incidents of acting out.
And allows everyone to…
Relax into a trusted network of nurturance.
PS:
Deep conversations are therapeutic, but they’re not therapy. If someone needs to deal with something like childhood trauma, they should see a therapist who knows what they’re doing. But otherwise, we can be here for each other through the challenges of the activist life, including quite serious ones.
PPS:
I have a communication system I’m fond of because I’ve used for years to good effect. It’s something substantial, which it has to be to have the power it has. It’s not ten easy steps, so it takes some time to explain. But if you’re interested in checking it out, contact me and let’s set a time to talk.
