6.2 The discovery interview: a sweet gift we can give each other
Imagine someone is listening to you so intently you find yourself digging deeper and you surprise yourself with what you hear yourself saying, again and again. Then…
Those surprises turn into your future.
That’s what a discovery interview is like. So if I’m interviewing you in discovery mode…
I’m not trying to educate you or finesse you or manage you. I’m not trying to change you.
Instead…
I’m interested in getting to know who you are.
I want to hear what’s deepest in your heart.
I’ve got no hidden agenda. I want us, together, to simply…
Discover what’s there to be discovered.
When you invite someone into a discovery interview, you start by giving them permissions. Here’s the most important one…
If I ask a question you’d rather not answer, no problem, just say “pass” and I’ll move right on to the next question.
And here are five more…
You get to take whatever time you need to answer the question. There’s no need to rush.
You get to think out loud.
You get to have mixed feelings about any issue.
You get to change your mind at any time about any answer.
You don’t have to dress up any of your answers. I simply want to hear what’s true for you.
From what I’ve seen of the world, I’d say most people don’t have anyone who listens to them in this way, deeper, and then even deeper. There are many people who have never had this kind of conversation even once.
Of course not everyone wants to go deep, but for those who do, if you take them through a discovery interview…
They experience it as a treat.
For the interviewer, these discovery sessions are a breeze because…
You don’t have to perform.
You don’t have to make anything happen.
You don’t have to worry about results.
You get to relax and enjoy getting to know this person.
Except these interviews are actually a challenge because…
You’re being super-attentive.
You’re reading this person’s emotions like a river rafter reads the currents.
You’re speeding up or slowing down as the person needs.
You’re pushing just a bit to go deeper, but you’re careful not to push too much.
You’re being personally present and vulnerable.
You’re inside the interview with the person, you’re there for her and with her, you’re not keeping her at arm’s length.
And, if like me, you’re an introvert and a bit shy, then getting to do a discovery interview with someone you care about is your version of catnip.
We activists feel a lot of pressure to go out and organize the world. The need out there is so urgent, how can we justify taking the time to work on ourselves and our relationships? Some would say, “You’re being selfishly self-indulgent.”
But I don’t have a problem with this because…
It’s not selfish.
Instead…
It’s self-nurturing.
Which is a very different thing.
We A’s get to do discovery interviews with each other, first, because we deserve it, but second, because this makes us stronger in our work to make a better world for everyone.
And…
It makes us more trustworthy.
If we’re going to go out and ask people to reach deeper and get vulnerable with us, then we need to do that ourselves first…
How can we ask other people to do what we’re not willing to do ourselves?
That would be like a therapist who’s never been in therapy. A big piece of empathy would be missing in his work with clients.
People can feel the difference between vigorous, vibrant empathy, present in every moment, inviting vulnerability, versus empathy that’s only the echo of a thought in the back of someone’s mind.
Here’s the formula for the best kind of organizing…
From our depth we invite other people into their depth.
We slip past their defenses because ours are down, and then we have a heart-to-heart conversation with them, about themselves and about politics.
Next let’s look at some options for setting up these conversations.
You interview me.
You might say to a friend or activist colleague…
“I want to ask you to interview me. I’m doing some serious thinking about how I do my activism. I’m feeling dissatisfied. I think I could make better contributions if I made my contributions more personal to me. More in alignment with my talents and strengths. And I think I could be having more fun even thought the issues I’m working on are so serious.
“I’d like to ask you to help me with this if you think you’d find it interesting. What I would like is for you to do a discovery interview with me.”
And she’ll say, “What’s a discovery interview? And then you can explain it in your own words. Or maybe the two of you could read through this page together.
Then you can give her the list of deepening questions in 6.8. You can emphasize with her, that this list is only a starter set. You might say…
“As good as these prepared questions are, I picked you to interview me because you know me, and you’ll be able to add in deeper, richer, more nuanced questions along the way.”
I interview you.
If there’s someone you work with and you’d like to deepen your relationship with them, you might say…
“I’d like to do a discovery interview with you if you’d like doing that.
“Since we work together on different projects, I’d like to get to know you better, specifically how you think about political strategy. And what keeps you motivated, given that we’re so often working against the odds. And is there anything I could do that would make our relationship work better for you.”
Doing a trade.
You might say…
“I’d love to do a discovery interview with you and then you could do one with me.
“I really enjoy working with you and I’d like to get to know you better. I’d be interested in talking with you about things that we don’t usually talk about because we’re both so busy.
“And I’m thinking this could strengthen our relationship, which I would like to do.”
“If you prefer, I’d be glad to interview you first, so you can see how this works, then you can interview me. Or vice versa is okay, too.
“What do you think? What questions do you have about how this would work?”
On your own.
If you don’t have anyone to do a trade with, you can start by interviewing yourself. Go through the list of deepening questions and answer the ones that call to you. Notice what other questions pop up along the way and answer those, too.
And you might want to start with a self-interview anyway. Because there might be things you’ll say to yourself that you won’t say even to a good friend or colleague.
A group experience.
Maybe you want to get three or four people together to ask you questions. They might play off each other in a lively and surprising way.
If you’re gathered a pod of partners, doing discovery interviews might be a good activity for your sessions. The pod could ask deepening questions of one or two people each time you meet until everyone has had their turn.
Recording these conversations.
Anytime you get interviewed, I recommend recording the session on your phone or a digital recorder, so you can listen back over it, like the next day, and then next week, and then six months from now. I guarantee you’ll hear nuances you missed during the interview itself. And you might think of follow up questions that didn’t get asked, but you want to ask yourself now.
Pacing.
You don’t have to ask all the questions all at once. There are a lot of them, and remember, what’s in this chapter is only a starter set. People are complex. So you get to do second, third, and fourth interviews with the same person if you want. And you will probably see her reach deeper with each successive interview as she develops a sense of safety with you.
Movement culture.
I’d really like to see discovery interviews become a core part of the culture of our movements.
I’d like it to be easy to ask for one when ever you felt the need, like if your life goes through a crisis or big changes.
Or you might want to do one every year as a routine check-up.
