5.5 Self-defense without demonizing
From the beginning…
Human tribes had to defend themselves.
They were on their own. Nobody was taking care of them. Sometimes they might trade with another tribe. Or make an alliance to fight a threatening third tribe. But those were exceptions to the rule.
In the big picture, tribes were in competition with each other. They were fundamentally adversaries. And sometimes bitter, deadly enemies.
So it was important that a tribe was ready to fight for itself, and fight hard, whenever necessary.
Our ancestors develop a set of psychological strategies to help keep their tribes motivated to go all out in terms of self-defense.
First, each tribe decided…
It was better than every other tribe.
And thus worth fighting for with everything you’ve got.
Next, each tribe decided not only were other tribes less by comparison, they were…
Less than human.
And so not worthy of care and consideration.
Finally, each tribe decided it was not only better, but…
It was sacred.
Which was an absolute stand. When you declare something sacred that means it can’t be questioned or opposed.
And if the tribe was sacred, then…
Each member of the tribe was a demigod.
Which meant by contrast that…
Members of those other lesser tribes were demons.
And just that quickly we opened the door to unrestrained slaughter.
We were now prepared to go nuclear on other tribes, because if our enemies were less than us, if they were less than human, and worse, if they were dangerously demonic…
That made them an existential threat.
And if we engaged in no-limit violence against them, even pre-emptively, that counted as righteous action.
And in the very moment we turned our enemies into imagined demons…
We turned ourselves demonic for real.
We in our modern tribes are still doing this, and it’s putting us in terrible danger.
Does that mean we should give up on self-defense? Not at all. We need to be able to take care of ourselves in a world that is still dangerous and rife with enemies.
But…
What if we take the tribal psychology out of self-defense?
What if we take out…
The demonization?
Then two new things can happen.
First…
We can be advocates for our adversaries.
Tribal self-defense has a fervor and fever that fogs the mind. It’s compulsive and driven and therefore rigid.
When you free yourself, you get to be flexible and creative. You actually get to…
Feel for your adversary.
Maybe it sounds crazy to say you can be an advocate for your adversary, but there’s a way in which it makes easy sense. What I now want to say to an enemy is this…
I don’t want us to demonize each other, because given the state of the world, that’s way too dangerous.
But that doesn’t mean I’m going to be a nice guy. I want you to know that I will always defend myself. You can count on me for that. And that’s me being an advocate for you, because I refuse to enable your attacks.
I believe that if you decide to play the tribal demigod and consider me a tribal demon, that’s is bad for you. It might win you material gains, but demonizing will ultimately turn against you. It will eat away at your moral soul. And I don’t want that for anybody.
Which this brings us to the second new thing…
We can do invitational self-defense.
So you might say to an enemy…
Tribal fundamentalism has set us up to be enemies. But I believe we can do better than that. I want us to do better than that. So I want to invite you to join me in finding common ground where we can talk with each other human to human, vulnerably and sincerely, leaving behind our compulsive tribal identities for a few minutes.
I want us to negotiate our differences and work through any conflicts we have. And I want us to feel great about doing something new, something better than the typical bitter, depressing tribal battles.
And I want us to feel great about rising above our human operating system and take the first steps toward creating a new way of life.
There are no guarantees here. Not at all. Tribalism is a powerful force rooted in our genome.
And the invitation above is a very condensed summary. In real life, invitational conversations would definitely be longer and more complex and often rocky.
None of what I’m saying here means that you compromise on defending yourself against abuse or attack. Never that.
You always get to take an unequivocal stand…
If you are threatening me or hurting me, I will ask you to stop.
And if you don’t, I will do everything in my power to stop you.
And if that doesn’t work I’ll organize a group of people to come help me stop you.
And most importantly…
I will not let the tribal nature that’s inside me turn me demonic. So that means I’m doing self-defense against my operating system!
And here’s one thing I know for sure. Whatever my adversary’s response, this non-demonizing approach to self-defense is…
Always good for my soul.
And it’s a practical way to open the door into the trans-tribal realm and begin to find common ground.
And once in a while, someone who has been your adversary will respond and quit being a threat, and maybe even over time turn into a friend.
PS:
The advocacy version of self-defense is a tough concept to get. And it’s tough because enemies are so triggering emotionally. But if you master this, you will find it gives you a special kind of power in your activist work and in your life.
There’s a real pleasure in being able to surprise adversaries and get them questioning themselves. It feels so good to operate in the trans-tribal realm of possibility instead of the tribal realm of despair.
If you want to go deeper into the advocacy strategy so you can get better at it, check out this chapter from my first book: Enemies.
